Prayer, please.

Subscribers, this has been a last few trying weeks. Shew, it’s been challenging. I write to you all now just asking for prayer which is something I rarely do in regards to myself. You are probably wondering what’s going on, and to be honest, nothing really major. Just normal, every day things. For some reason though, I’ve been letting things get to me more than I should and I am trying to just let go and let God. Sometimes that doesn’t come easy for me.

For starters, my daughter who has been an honor roll student each report card is struggling this quarter in school. She isn’t the only one struggling, a lot of the class is, but I am that mom who wants her to be challenged but not struggle. It isn’t that she isn’t smart enough, she’s proved herself to be above where she should be based on age alone over and over. However, she’s just gotten into a slump where she doesn’t seem motivated this quarter and it’s the small things like following directions entirely on a problem, reading the questions thoroughly, being responsible and remembering to bring home books when you have something to study for, writing out problems instead of just the answer, you know, the stuff that should come easily. I am trying to remember though, fourth grade is tough. Kindergarten through third, their hands are held, they are babied to a sense, and then fourth grade, it’s time to prepare them for that ribbon to be cut. Once fifth grade comes around, there aren’t the study guides, there aren’t detailed instructions to take home a book. The student has a big responsibility that fourth grade teachers are trying to shape them for. My little girl, doesn’t quite know how to handle all of that responsibility yet and in a sense, doesn’t want to.

I am in no hurry for her to grow up but man, this is a tough school year. Next year she gets to try out for JV Cheerleading which she has been looking forward to since she started the Spirit Squad. She is well aware that if her grades don’t come up and remain good like they have all this time, JV Cheerleading won’t be an option. Just pray for us, y’all. It’s stressful on the teachers, on the students, and on the families at home.

Outside of this school quarter, my focus and determination to really get my life back on track in regards to health and fitness has been somewhat of a downward spiral. I am not sure if it’s just all the added stress and pressure, well yeah I am sure, that’s what it is. My mind has not been mentally focused where it should be and instead I’ve been letting the negative, stress, and anxiousness take over which has led to some unwanted weight gain that I once had lost. I will get there again. I have a friend who will be my Advocare challenge buddy, and another friend who will be training for a 5K run with me. I haven’t ran in years and I so miss the body, the feeling, and the confidence that I had when I did. I look forward to getting there again. Just pray for me. Pray for my sanity, patience, guidance, direction, focus, mentality, confidence, motivation, and peace.

I am thankful for you all, you’re an outlet of sorts. Someone who I can type all of my thoughts (the good, the bad, and the ugly) to. I would love some feedback though, I don’t hear from most of you and would really like to know I’m not the only one out there facing this struggles.

Let’s chat, soon! Xo.
Hollie

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Last Breath

The last few months Kasey’s sister has been spending almost everyday over at their grandmother’s house. They have slowly noticed signs of dementia and some days are good days, some days are not so good days. His sister was such an amazing caregiver. I cannot praise her enough for the amount of attention and care that she provided Ms. Juanita and I believe in my heart she did everything she physically could do for one of the most funniest and loving women I had come to know and love. We didn’t spend as much time with her as we should have but I will forever cherish the time that we did spend with her. I will never forget the day we took my grandmother with us to visit and they sat there for hours just chatting away as if they had known each other since birth. Each visit after that, she was always ask about my grandma and my grandma sure did think highly of Ms. Juanita as well. She’s been my prayer partner during the hours of what I’m about to share with you. 

I will go ahead an warn you, this will be long and might very well be full of typos and grammar issues but please forgive me for that now. I am going to do the best I can to remember all of the details and the reasoning for sharing this information is as a simple reminder to not take a day for granted. Something I have done way too many times. Life is precious and each day truly is a gift. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Yesterday morning we received the call that Kasey’s grandmother had called 911 thinking someone was breaking into her house, in all reality there wasn’t anyone there. When they arrived, her room was ransacked from herself trying to move furniture trying to barricade herself in there truly believing that someone was attempting to get in. She was speaking but her words were very mumbled. They asked if they could take her to the hospital to be evaluated to which she agreed. This was something huge for her because she hadn’t been to a doctor in over 40 years, simply because she didn’t trust them. Living through the Great Depression she was very stubborn and felt like she could do everything on her own with no one’s assistance. So doctor visits were nothing she was a part of.
She was in the ER yesterday for around 10-11 hours before getting placed into her own room. Kasey’s sister and dad spent the entire day with her and then Kasey went up there after work. While in the ER we were being told that she had pneumonia, fluid around her heart, a slight amount of dementia, and possible congestive heart failure. When Kasey was with her last night, she was alert and herself but still hard to understand speech wise. His sister said today that she got spunk when she saw Kasey, he sure does love his grandma and she him. Once she got placed into her room, she was able to get some sleep (something of which she rarely got at home because of the dementia that began taking over and her being paranoid). Last night before Kasey left the hospital they had told him they were going to give her a high dose of thyroid medication and an antibiotic and believed that her thyroid could possibly be the cause of the dementia and fluid around her heart. However, with how things were, it was a risk to try because if it wasn’t that, it could send her into cardiac arrest. That was a risk worth taking for a possible reward of answers and move in a positive direction.

This morning, the doctor’s report given to his sister was a good one. She had slept through the night and had made positive improvements. A couple hours after that initial ray of hope, we got devastating news. His sister arrived at the hospital and the doctors were now saying that there had been an abrupt change and she wasn’t going to make it much longer. Her thyroid had basically completely shut down and although surgery was an option, there had already been too much damage to her heart. She was considered as living in a coma state and they were going to bring in Hospice. We knew right away, that wasn’t looking good.

Kasey and I headed to the hospital as so did his other family members. When everyone who was coming had arrived, the PA came in letting us know that there wasn’t anything else that they could do. The surgery wouldn’t enhance or prolong her life and even then, she would have to be on the life support that she specially had requested to not be on. She was unable to breathe on her own and her body temperature wasn’t regulating on its own. From all of the trauma from the thyroid issues that went unchecked, her body had been under so much stress that she suffered a mild heart attack. The PA explained it as if our hearts were rubber bands and they can stretch out and then back in, her heart was so stiff, it wasn’t able to stretch out the way it’s meant to. It was time for the family, specifically Ms. Juanita’s children, to make one of the hardest decisions ever.

The family respected her wishes knowing that although it’s easy for us to want and be selfish by keeping her here longer with help from life support, that would’ve been no way for her to live. About 30-40 minutes after the doctors removed the ventilator and after one of her sons told her thank you for being the best mom and that if she’s ready then we all are ready and we love her so much, she took her last breath and peacefully passed in her sleep while we all surrounded her. That was the first time I had ever witnessed someone leaving their earthly body and I cannot begin to explain the emotions that you experience. The hardest part for me was to see how quickly she became pale, it was almost instant. I am so thankful that she will no longer fear the thoughts dementia placed in her mind and I will forever cherish the time that she welcomed Laekyn and myself as one of her own for the last 4 years. She was a wonderful woman and I just appreciate your prayers for his family in the upcoming days and weeks. Again, I cannot brag on how strong Nickie (Kasey’s sister) has been throughout this process. I will forever remember her putting Chapstick on Ms. Juanita’s lips while she took her final breaths so that her lips wouldn’t be so chapped from the ventilator. Talk about a strong woman, his sister has really been his grandmother’s caregiver in such a selfless way, I am so amazed by her throughout this whole process and I know she probably feels a heavy heart as if she didn’t do enough but boy could that not be more wrong. She did way beyond and everything in her physical power, I am praying extra prayers for her comfort. The days she has made ritual for months are completely turned upside down and there is no way that will be a smooth and easy transistion. If you’re reading this – we love you, Nickie!

On a side note of everything that took place within the last 36 hours, this gave me chills. Kasey’s dad told him yesterday that months ago Ms. Juanita had asked them to handle her funeral arrangements. She already had the expenses saved and she just wanted them to go ahead and have everything taken care of. Chilling enough, the appointment that was made months ago was this morning, hours before she would take her last breath. It’s almost as if she already knew, gives me chills.

I know that this was a lot of information but I wanted to share it with each of you as a reminder of how quickly something can change and how quickly someone can be taken away from us. One minute everything seems positive and the next minute, it takes a negative turn. Just hug those you love extra tight and if you haven’t spoken to or seen your loved ones in awhile, make that phone call or go visit. You never know when the good Lord will call them home.

Ms. Juanita, we love you and pray you’re up there talking with grandpa and Jenny with Sparky back on your lap. In the words of Laekyn tonight during prayer: “I pray that Ms. Juanita is having a fun time in Heaven, please Lord let her visit Kasey in his mind and let him know she is okay.” I’m a puddle!! 😭 We miss you and look forward to the day we see you again. Rest in peace beautiful angel. 

La vita e’ bella

Life is beautiful. When there is sorrow, life is beautiful. When there is mourning, life is beautiful. Where there is happiness, life is beautiful. Life can be sloppy sometimes but it’s a beautiful ride. This is easy to remember when things are going good but when your world is shaken, are you quick to remember this or quick to forget?

My best friend has lost her father in law, 27-year-old daughter, and her grandmother in the last three weeks. My aunt has lost her father. There is so much sorrow, heartbreak, void, tears, questions, yet la vita e’ bella. Through it all, life is beautiful.

There are parents without children, children without parents, grandchildren without grandparents, and grandparents without grandchildren. Through it all, la vita e’ bella. There are no words that can fill the void, there are no band aids big enough to cover the wound, there are no amounts of kindness that can take away the sorrow. Yet, life is beautiful.

When the going gets tough, choose to focus on the positive. Through the rain, look for the rainbow. Most importantly, enjoy this beautiful ride and love deeply. If you’re of the praying kind, please keep my family and friend’s family in your prayers and always remember, la vita e’ bella.